A Sad Story

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outcastsuperstar
Legend Bachelor
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Joined: Tue May 17, 2011 4:33 pm

A Sad Story

Post by outcastsuperstar » Sat Sep 11, 2010 4:49 pm

This was posted by a member on the Don't Get Married Board.

I didn't know all of the problems my Uncle Jim has been facing lately with his wife of 25 years, but she has for the last couple of years become increasingly unstable, a secret he kept from the family. We've hardly ever seen Jim since he's been married, because his wife had progressively been isolating him from us. Every time they'd come around for family get-togethers and the like, they'd have to leave after only a short time, because, "her back hurts" or "she's got a headache" or "she doesn't feel good." She seemed to get mad anytime he'd come around the family, calling and checking up on him, harassing him, getting him to come home. They lived only ten miles away, but I'd only seen him four times in the last two years. You get the picture.

His whole life revolved around his wife. She is practically an invalid, with some serious spinal problems that cost my uncle tens of thousands of dollars in surgeries, therapy, masseuses, and medications. She couldn't work, wouldn't cook or clean or do much of anything. Maybe she really couldn't do much of anything, but who really knows? My uncle has for years not only been the breadwinner, but he's also been the cook, house cleaner, masseur, and general gofer.

So at my aunt's insistence, he hired a personal assistant to help her out every day. This is a luxury that only the rich can afford, and though he's successful, Jim is not rich, and after several months of this massive expense, he decided he couldn't afford it and put a stop to it.

His wife freaked out, naturally. Accused him of not taking good care of her, not being a good husband, not providing for her, and blah, blah, blah. And after discussion by committee (her mother and sisters--bitches) she decided she wanted a divorce.

Last night, Jim's wife finally went psycho. She freaked out, threatened to kill herself (a regular occurrence, is what I'm told) and then actually tried to. Jim stopped her, called the police, and had them take her to a psych ward at a local hospital.

He called her dad and told her what happened, after which her dad accused Jim of not taking good enough care of her and generally browbeating him. Jim told her dad that he was going to pack some of her clothes and things for her stay at the hospital, and then go see her.

Here's where things get murky. At some point last night, the hospital called Jim and told her that they didn't have enough beds and that he was going to have to come and pick her up and take her home. He told them he would be coming to get her, and hung up the phone.

This morning Jim's sister-in-law went to his house to find out why he hadn't picked up her sister from the hospital. She went into the house and found my uncle sitting in his easy chair with his legs crossed, a sealed letter to his wife sitting next to him, a pen in his hand, and a list of all the different types of pills he had taken in his lap.

Jim killed himself in the night.

I don't know why. Nobody has read the letter he wrote to his wife. I guess he just couldn't take it anymore. I guess he decided he didn't want to deal with her shit if she was going to leave him anyway. He lived and breathed for her. He loved her like crazy and we all knew it. So I guess he decided dealing with it all would be too painful.

My grandma is devastated. My aunt is inconsolable; another of her big brothers is dead before he reached 50. My dad is taking it as well as he can, just glad that Jim didn't suffer in death. My brother thinks Jim was an idiot to kill himself; he doesn't get it.

I'm angry. I just need someone to blame. To punish. And I know it's all too complicated, and I'll never get satisfaction, but still I want to make sure someone pays. Irrational, I know. But there it is. That's how I feel.

I don't know why he didn't talk to someone in the family. Call one of his brothers, his sister, his mom. Me. One of us could have seen him though this, could have talked him down. And I want to know Why, and I know I probably never will.

The men in my family have a tendency to let the women in their lives destroy them. Happens so often it's a family joke. It happens to us all the time.

Now it's happened again.

outcastsuperstar
Legend Bachelor
Posts: 1661
Joined: Tue May 17, 2011 4:33 pm

A Sad Story

Post by outcastsuperstar » Sat Sep 11, 2010 4:50 pm

This was a post made by thegrandcurmudgeon had to say

About the only thing that I can add is that stories like this are the answer I come up with when someone asks "why?" - as in "why do you do this?" Men like Uncle Jim are the reason why I don't just wash my hands of this whole mess and turn my back and walk away. Men like him are the reason this board exists, and the reason why so many men have taken up blogging, and the reason some of us dump money into this Beau Geste of a cause year after year.

In a "fair" world, men like Uncle Jim would be rewarded for his love, devotion, and faith - not punished for them and have them used as a means to exploit him. It's a word that I don't use often, but what was done to him truly qualifies as "evil."

In the anger over your own loss, Dan, and the rage at such an unfair system and unfair people, there can only be one consolation - Uncle Jim's pain and suffering are over. I've seen men go through things like this, and life really is a living hell for them.

The best thing that you, or any of us can do, is to remember Uncle Jim and use that memory to motivate us to keep other good men from being caught in the same trap he was in.

outcastsuperstar
Legend Bachelor
Posts: 1661
Joined: Tue May 17, 2011 4:33 pm

A Sad Story

Post by outcastsuperstar » Sat Sep 11, 2010 4:50 pm

thousandmilemargin writes

Sounds like the guy was being used.

I was thinking today: both men and women have a need for sex and a need for validation. The difference is the for men the sex IS the validation, to a large degree, and we are more self-reliant, less desirous of someone to to look after us and make us feel special.
While women enjoy sex, for most of them the need for validation - for security, attention, someone to make them "feel special" is the greater need.

So in a "relationship" sex is for women largely the thing they trade for attention and validation. If they have sex with a guy on a regular basis and don't get attention, affection and validation in return they feel used. On the other hand, a couple of years into a relationship they may be happy to let the sex dwindle to nothing provided the man is still there for them, providing and caring for them.

With men it is the other way around. We provide attention, protection and security, and often enjoy doing it, and are given sexual pleasure in return. If the sex dwindles away and we find ourselves caring and providing without any sexual expression of grattitude, we feel like a sucker. But no strings attached sex is fine with us.

So men may "use" women - by not providing attention and validation to a lover who expects it - and women may "use" men, by roping them into the role of protector and provider and then cutting off the sex.

I think it is worth pointing out, if the subject ever comes up, that men and women both have needs, and a women who depends on a man to care for her without giving any physical affection in return is just as much of a "user" as a man who fucks and chucks.

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