Time bombs......

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christopheroregon
Legend Bachelor
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Time bombs......

Post by christopheroregon » Sat Aug 14, 2010 1:33 pm

Fellers;

I always try and show you guys the reality behind marriage; that it's not all sugar and spice and hot passionate nights of unrelenting sex with a super model when you get married. I want you to see the reality behind what happens to your LIFE when you say those ghastly, ominous words "I DO!" to that soon to be decomposing pile of cellulite.

Three houses down from me lives a man and wife. Let's say his name is Craig, just for the hell of it. He and I don't hang out, partly because I don't socialize with married men, and married men aren't allowed to come out and play with me. Plus, his wife is very status conscious, and in spite of my home being by far the nicest one on the block, I'm not, strictly speaking, professional enough for her standards. So be it.

His wife- let's call her Iceberg- rarely cracks a smile when I walk by. She's spoken in the past, but since it seemed to cause her so much discomfort, she avoids repeating the act whenever possible. Which amuses me to no end. So, every time I see her, I stop and smile and ask her how she's doing. I chat her up until I can see she is fidgeting, then chat her up some more. I'm sure she feels like showering afterward.

Now, Craig teaches at the local community college, as does his wife. They're hardly what you could call college professors, yet she claims to be one, and according to her, so is her husband. Yet, they both have Masters degrees. Hmm. Maybe someone more enlightened than I could elaborate on the subject, but I always thought you had to have a PhD to be considered a professor. Maybe not. Who knows. Neither here nor there.

Craig occasionally has stopped by to look at my Harley when I've been polishing it, but only when he's alone. One time he stopped by with Iceberg and that was the only time she's been on my property that I know of. Maybe she's been staring at me through the window when I shower; I don't know.

Now, they're your typical upwardly mobile professional couple. Around forty, maybe less. She's pretty damn good looking for a woman her age, and she runs like a buggered baboon. Always running, running, running.

They have one child; a daughter. A nasty little brat.

Okay, groundwork out of the way. Life seems nice for them, money okay, one child, and two Soo-Buh-Roos in the driveway. Idyllic, eh? (If you like that sort of thing.)

I was taking my afternoon stroll yesterday, and passed by Craig sitting on his porch, head in hands. He looked morose. I stopped, and being the kind of compassionate guy I am, said "Hey Craig; whassa matter- you constipated?"

"I wish it was that simple." he said, staring at the ground.

"Well, what's shaking, kiddo?" I asked. Or something like that.

To expedite things, and partly because I can't remember all of the conversation, I'll give you a brief summation of our guy time together. It seems his wife's parents, both in their seventies, have come to live with Craig and Iceberg.

Now, before I go any further, I'm a strong believer in honoring one's parents, and taking care of them when they are old. I spent ten years taking care of a mother who had Alzheimer's, and my 91 year old father lives with me. He's independent, but he'll never have to worry about being alone.

Back to Craig. Last month, his in-laws moved in. They took over the two bedrooms on the top floor, and they moved their snarling little tax exemption to the basement. I've seen them. Her parents, that is. She's an angry, scrawny little shrew, and he's a pot-bellied pig with a red face. Every time I've seen them, and it hasn't been often, they've been snapping at each other.

I asked Craig how it was going with two new mouths to feed, half-joking.

"Not very well at all." he replied. His mother-in-law, in the short time they've been there, has all but taken over the house, and orders everyone around. Everyone. His father-in-law is an ill-mannered fat slob who sits in the living room all day watching television, all the while belching, farting and picking his protruding proboscis, which he then wipes on his pants or on the arm of the chair he wallows in. Hey; I'm just telling you what I was told.

The night before, he dared to challenge his mother-in-law over some issue, and his wife, mother-in-law and father-in-law all ganged up on him, berating him, until he finally left the house. None of them were speaking to him as of yesterday; hence my seeing him occupying his new throne as head of the household- the front porch.

Both of his parent-in-laws have multiple health issues. His mother-in-law is diabetic, claims to have a heart problem, has chronic back pain, and has dizzy spells; plus she might be in the early stages of Alzheimer's. It's not officially diagnosed yet.

His father-in-law is obese, and can't trim his own toenails. In order to save money, the duty has fallen on Craig. His father-in-law has serious toenail fungus problems, and according to my despondent neighbor, his feet are disgusting to behold. Craig started to put on gloves when he first was assigned the task of attending to his father-in-laws feet, and received a tongue lashing for being so paranoid. Off came the gloves.

His in-laws have made it clear they can't afford to help pay for the groceries, and they aren't going to pay rent. They feel it's their daughters duty to help her parents in their hour of need. Huh? They're not HIS parents, are they? Well now that I mention it, they might as well be. There's a little thing called the relative dependency act, and yeah, they might as well be his parents. My own mother got stuck paying for my fathers parents when they were ill back in the fifties. As my dear departed mother used to say, "When you get married, you marry the whole damn family".

Truer words were never spoken.

As time goes on, I'll be able to share more of my neighbor's experiences with his newly expanded family. I intend to probe. Will Craig be reduced to wiping his father-in-law's posterior when he's too fat to go to the bathroom by himself? How about his mother-in-law?

These are things young guys never consider when they fall in "love" (aka: lust) with a young woman with perky tits and pearly white teeth.

The day of reckoning is around the corner for every man who marries, for he truly marries the woman's entire brood.

Christopher-thankfully-single-in-Oregon

thesilentwitness

Time bombs......

Post by thesilentwitness » Sat Aug 14, 2010 1:53 pm

That story is utterly horrifying.

Quick question; why is it now HIS responsibility to cut his father-in-law's toenails, when the old man's WIFE AND DAUGHTER are RIGHT THERE?

I hate to say it, but if you lay down with a "welcome" sign printed on your face, people will treat you like a doormat. Sounds like this guy needs to grow a pair.

risefromtheashes

Time bombs......

Post by risefromtheashes » Sat Aug 14, 2010 2:07 pm

Still wanna buy that ring?

zak

Time bombs......

Post by zak » Sat Aug 14, 2010 3:38 pm

[quote]Craig teaches at the local community college, as does his wife. They're hardly what you could call college professors, yet she claims to be one[/quote]

I have a masters degree, and I've looked into teaching. Here's the dig:

2-year program, what they call a College "Diploma" here, can be taught by someone with a Master's degree.

4-year program, what they call a University "Bachelor's Degree" here, is mostly taught by PhD's.

Please note that anyone with a PhD, and only those with a PhD, can legitimately use the title "Doctor".

I could teach a class for a 4-year program, but only as a sessional instructor. IE: I could never be a tenured university professor.

Your neighbors could be "professors" -- the low-grade second-class variety. Perhaps higher than high-school teachers, but many H.S. teachers have Masters and PhDs, so the difference becomes meaningless pretty quick.

3dartist

Time bombs......

Post by 3dartist » Sat Aug 14, 2010 3:53 pm

That story makes my "unsuccessful" life sound like paradise.

rorschach
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Time bombs......

Post by rorschach » Sat Aug 14, 2010 4:33 pm

What a sad, horrible life. So glad I'm a happy bachelor :) even when there's crap to deal with at least it isn't like living like he does

zak

Time bombs......

Post by zak » Sat Aug 14, 2010 4:35 pm

[quote]Still wanna buy that ring? [/quote]

Yes I still want to buy the fucking ring because part of being alive is knowing, deep down, we're all part of nature's strategy to overcome all obstacles through overwhelming numbers and brute force. 90% chance of failure? Sign me up!!

Fortunately, nobody has asked me for a ring yet. Must be due to the stick I beat them away with.

hhb
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Time bombs......

Post by hhb » Sat Aug 14, 2010 4:36 pm

CIO,

Craig is screwed. What a nightmare. His only way out is suicide. I am sure Iceberg has a very nice life insurance policy on him.

HHB

HHB

zak

Time bombs......

Post by zak » Sat Aug 14, 2010 4:41 pm

Remember that internet story of the lawyer who just "walked away"? And his ex-coworker found him working as a short-order chef and the neo-chef told him to find somewhere else to eat?

Suicide or Underground.

christopheroregon
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Time bombs......

Post by christopheroregon » Sat Aug 14, 2010 6:34 pm

the silent witness;

Ah, my friend, you do not understand the dynamics of marriage. He will do precisely what he is told, or there will be hell to pay. Hell, I say. I'm always amused by men who pontificate about how they would do things differently, how THEIR wives would toe the line, yada, yada, yada.

Balls.

It ain't gonna happen, boys. If you are stupid or weak enough to get married, as most men are, then you have already shown you don't have what it takes to make a stand against women. You have already shown that you will capitulate and submit to a woman.

By marrying, you've shown you are a "bottom", or a "sub" to borrow terms from homosexuals. You are the one receiving the strap-on up your tail pipe, not the other way around.

So, if you want to get married, grease up your behind, grab your ankles, and pray she's using the small dildo........ :lol:

Christopher in Oregon

thesilentwitness

Time bombs......

Post by thesilentwitness » Sat Aug 14, 2010 6:45 pm

Still, to be a fly on the wall when he was given his new lifelong assignment of having to regularly clip the toenails of an old, obese, fungus-infected man.

"Honey, seeing as you're the ONE PERSON in the house who ISN'T related to my father, it's now your job to clip his toenails. Because, that's obviously NOT something that should naturally be done by, oh, I dunno, his WIFE or DAUGHTER."

He deserves to be treated like shit, because he ACCEPTS IT. Sad but true. I don't feel sorry for manginas like him, because he could just as easily say "NO!".

Please tell him to grow a set of balls, CIO. For his own sake. "Men" like him are pathetic, I'm afraid, and need someone who ISN'T in utter denial to point said fact out to them so that they can at least BEGIN to do something about it.

christopheroregon
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Time bombs......

Post by christopheroregon » Sat Aug 14, 2010 6:57 pm

Silent witness;

Nah, it would just hurt his little feelers. He is what he is, and nothing I can say will rescue him. He already willingly cut off his testicles by submitting to the sham of marriage.

Testicles do NOT grow back.

Once they're gone, they're gone. Marriage does something to a man. Even if he divorces, he's never again the same. That's why only a NEVER MARRIED man can ever proudly wear the title of BACHELOR.

CIO

analyzing
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Time bombs......

Post by analyzing » Sat Aug 14, 2010 8:42 pm

"That's why only a NEVER MARRIED man can ever proudly wear the title of BACHELOR.

CIO"


Why thank you Sir!

I will wear my BACHELOR Crown with pride! 8-)

outcastsuperstar
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Time bombs......

Post by outcastsuperstar » Sat Aug 14, 2010 8:49 pm

[quote]Silent witness;

Nah, it would just hurt his little feelers. He is what he is, and nothing I can say will rescue him. He already willingly cut off his testicles by submitting to the sham of marriage.

Testicles do NOT grow back.

Once they're gone, they're gone. Marriage does something to a man. Even if he divorces, he's never again the same. That's why only a NEVER MARRIED man can ever proudly wear the title of BACHELOR.

CIO[/quote]

Basically this is how Craig and other married men got themselves in the current mess

table width="690" border="0">



Here is what Craig gets to look forward to for long periods of time 7 days a week

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superbad
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Time bombs......

Post by superbad » Sat Aug 14, 2010 10:18 pm

+1 , for making sure your father has company. Criag, like most men after being married seven (or less) years, is getting NOTHING from the relationship... it's just 24-7 NONSENSE and CHAOS.

outcastsuperstar
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Time bombs......

Post by outcastsuperstar » Sat Aug 14, 2010 10:18 pm

I just played the how chicks complain clip since I haven't listened to it for a while. I was laughing at first but then it got annoying where I wasn't able to make it passed the 4 minute mark.

To think that Craig will have to endure that verbal abuse from both his wife, bossy mother in law, and get to clip his father in law's nasty toe nails just makes by balls shiver.

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MarcusAurelius
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Time bombs......

Post by MarcusAurelius » Sun Aug 15, 2010 3:46 am

Hahaha holy shit.

He should start eating the toe nails, then running around the house screaming that he is hungry and wants to eat everyone's toe nails. Maybe then they would all flee in terror and he would finally get some peace and quiet.

There is NOTHING like an empty house to come home to. Stories like this just remind you of that fact.

boogyman

Time bombs......

Post by boogyman » Sun Aug 15, 2010 8:40 am

Yes, when you marry you are marrying her whole extended family. Say goodbye to all your relaxing evenings, weekends, and holidays.

My cousin married a cute little Filipina chick he met in a catalog. 15 yrs and 3 children later she is as wide as she is tall and has all the sex appeal of a pit bull. She has her mother living with them now, shouting out orders and basically running the household. Her mother's only skill beyond killing erections is making ethnic dishes and getting hurt because everyone in the house except her would rather have American food.

They are sending money to her disabled father (who is permanently separated from her mother because Filipinos can't divorce) to keep him out of poverty and pay for his costly medical treatment.

My cousin also gets to pay for flights shuffling his children and her whole extended family of sponges to and from Asia several times a year because staying close to the family is important even if it lives on the other side of the planet.

Just thought I would let you know how that sweet little oriental pearl soon morphs into her mother, comes with a hell of a price tag and brings with her a lifetime of headaches.

leeamneus
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Time bombs......

Post by leeamneus » Sun Aug 15, 2010 9:32 am

[quote]Yes, when you marry you are marrying her whole extended family. Say goodbye to all your relaxing evenings, weekends, and holidays.

My cousin married a cute little Filipina chick he met in a catalog. 15 yrs and 3 children later she is as wide as she is tall and has all the sex appeal of a pit bull. She has her mother living with them now, shouting out orders and basically running the household. Her mother's only skill beyond killing erections is making ethnic dishes and getting hurt because everyone in the house except her would rather have American food.

They are sending money to her disabled father (who is permanently separated from her mother because Filipinos can't divorce) to keep him out of poverty and pay for his costly medical treatment.

My cousin also gets to pay for flights shuffling his children and her whole extended family of sponges to and from Asia several times a year because staying close to the family is important even if it lives on the other side of the planet.

Just thought I would let you know how that sweet little oriental pearl soon morphs into her mother, comes with a hell of a price tag and brings with her a lifetime of headaches. [/quote]

Yes, you are right.

All women are evil, none of them are different, they all behave exactly as the worst AW.

Best to not date ever again.

Best to not have sex ever again, either.

Whew! Glad you guys saved me, there.

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arcangel911
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Time bombs......

Post by arcangel911 » Sun Aug 15, 2010 11:09 am

CIO- Vicks vapor rub is a good thing for toe nail fungus. Paranoid or not, hope that boy washes his hands frequently

extraycrom

Time bombs......

Post by extraycrom » Sun Aug 15, 2010 2:53 pm

His in laws move in his house, takes it over then turn him into their slave boy. His wife is o.k. with this. He has no say about anything he just does what he's told and shuts up. He is very unhappy.

When he is on his porch (his only place of freedom) he is thinking, weighing his options, meditating and putting his whole life and marriage in perspective.

These are the first steps of a man starting to go his own way. Let's hope he gains insight from his very intense, negitave experience.

crackpot

Time bombs......

Post by crackpot » Sun Aug 15, 2010 2:54 pm

Dear God... that just sucks for "Craig". Many women secretly know how to make men feel obligated to take care of "their needs" which includes crappy inlaws. They plan this from the first date, wait a few years and pop a couple children then they get the right to treat you like garbage.

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superbad
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Time bombs......

Post by superbad » Sun Aug 15, 2010 8:34 pm

listen Craig, you are a mangina. and, as such, you need to take baby steps. the next time you are asked to cut your father-in-law's toenails, i want you to say, in a firm, authoritative voice: "only if you say pretty please". and don't accept just a "please"... you make sure there is a "pretty" in there. your next lesson will be how to serve your old lady a lovely breakfast of scrambled eggs and toenails. :P

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